I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
