I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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