the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I touched a dick in church today
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
