good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Mom said you looked used
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
