did you get engaged???
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
