Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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