Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
