I haven't been this sober since birth.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
