I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
