what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
