Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
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