I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
