6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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