Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
