I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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