So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
