There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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