You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
