You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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