someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
