I cockslap morals
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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