If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
