can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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