He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
