i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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