i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
