You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
