some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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