I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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