This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
