Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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