I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
