So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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