Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
