you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
