the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
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