I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
