i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
