when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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