3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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