She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
