Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
