So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
