I'm laying in your front yard are you home
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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