Who wears a wallet chain?!
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
