I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
