how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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