Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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