you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
