So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
