Just fell off a train. Bad.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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