dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
