Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
