Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
