Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You took a bar mat shot.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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