I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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