i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
