I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
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