In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
